then one time, when i was 18 and having learnt the valuable lesson of how different restaurants and fast food establishments serve different types (or “themes”) of foods, i walked into a chinese food place, and just for fun, asked for a mcnugget.

well, to make a long story short i ended up joining the air force and now i can play the guitar pretty good.

today i was walking, and i smelled some stuff that reminded me of flowers.

isn’t it strange how often we smell stuff and then we are reminded of things? after smelling those flowers i was immediately reminded of the time i had to drag a frozen goat carcass across the snow and i could barely feel my hands. then one time i ate some fruit loops and i was like, man, this is some good fruit loops, i wonder why i don’t eat them more, and then just at that moment a goose walked in my front door and laid a egg so i cracked that baby open and had a goose omelet which i dumped into my fruit loop cereal bowl cause nothing goes better then fruit loops and a goose egg omlet, AKA the breakfast of champions (me).

isn’t it strange how smell can just bring that kind of stuff up out of no where? i don’t know about you, but i’m going down to the lake to find me some wild goose eggs.

then i got a idea.

i ducked and looked under the table, but there was no one there.

i tried to make my voice sound alpha maleish “who is there?”

nothing. i shrugged, i already knew i was going half crazy, what with the penguins and the wizards and the pet jugs and all. it actually felt pretty good to accept it.

besides the hole i had fell out of, the only other exit was a hallway which was dark and shadowy from some torches or whatever.

i went down the hallway. instead of torches there were lamps put into the walls. scones i think they are called in fancy places. well i was walking down that hallway, having a nice stroll, when the hallway ended in a big iron door.

i shrugged again, then grabbed the handle and swung it open.

i was not prepared for what was inside.

after about five minutes of scrammbling, i started to get nervous, like maybe this tunnel would never end.

so i started singing feliz navida, and i was comforted.

i was at the second chorus when i shot out of the hole, felt myself falling about 5 feet, and landed on a very hard concrete floor. it was still pitch dark.

i just laid there a bit, and just let myself feel the pain that comes from landing on a concrete floor in the pitch darkness. i thought about crying for a bit, but then decided against it. plus, there was no one there to see me crying and tell me “there there, don’t cry, it’s only a hip fracture, it will probably heal, mostly likely you’ll be able to walk again.”

after a couple more minutes of pain, i tried to stand up. i around till i found a wall, then stood myself up. it was still pitch dark, like i couldn’t tell if i was closing my eyes or not, so i brought my hand to my eye and pocked it. after crying uncontrollably with the pain of pocking oneslfly in the eye for 10 minutes, i started feeling around for some type of lightswitch.

then i heard this voice say “in the middle of the room about two feet behind you is a table with a lamp, that should do the trick.” i won’t lie to you, i almost peed myself right then. after my heart stopped trying to rip itself out and run away, i very quickly turned around, found the table, found the lamp, then switched it on.

no one was in the room. i peed myself.

hello goat!

i didn’t think i could talk my way out of it. the reality was, i was a prisnor who had escaped from my cell, and they were the guards, whose job it was to guard said cell.

i went back through the door and locked it behind me.

“hey rat, do you know another way out of this place?”

“what cell were you locked up in?”

i didn’t remember seeing any other cells.

“cell 1″

the rat took out a folded peice of paper from under the cushion of his chair, and unfolded it. it looked like a map.

he looked up, then said, “secret tunnel in the back wall, crawl underneath the bed and press the second brick from the right, bottom row.”

“what? why would there be a secret tunnel in the cell?”

“beats me, i just work here. you better get going, i can hear one of the guards on the other side looking for a key.”

i took off down the corridor, back to the cell i just escaped from, and dove under the bed. i pressed the brick, and a fake wall thing about 2 feet high and wide opened up like a door. behind it was a tunnel, leading off into the darkness.

i started crawling through.

i went to the bars and listened for the guards, nothing. the key turned, and the small cell door swung open. it made a very loud creaking noise, so i took off running down the corridor.

it was all dark and scary and everything, and i saw some big rats, but i kept running.

finally the corridor ended in a wooden door, which had a shelf in the middle. on the shelf was a little leather chair that looked like it belonged in a doll house.

sitting in the chair was a rat, with very fine blond hair going down to his cheeks. he was also holding a very tiny scepter with a blue rock on the top. around his neck was a string holding a key, which i assumed to be the key to the door.

“what’s up dawg?” i said.

the rat gave me a little nod, then said, “not much, not much, just trying to survive, you know how it is.”

i nodded back. i did know how it is.

“yeah anyway, do you mind if i get through this door? i gotta save a friend of mine.”

“i will let you pass, my good man, if you but pass one test”

i shrugged.  ”sure why not, i’m pretty good at tests”

the rat door master stood up, and took 2 steps forward so he was near the edge of the shelf.

“alright dude, all you gotta do for this key, is tell me what three thousand four hundred and seventy four multiplied by thirty four is. you have one minute”

hmmmmmm. i’ve never been that great at math, or history, or art, or shop, or high school, so i knew i probably was not going to be able to figure out this problem. i was going to have to guess.

“goose pig middle fence halfway century alabama mink forty seven”

“that is correct”

the rat door master took his key necklace off, and gave it to me. then he went back and sat down.

i unlocked the door. “ok thanks rat-man, i gotta go”

“you are welcome, please don’t open the door until i buckle myself in”

i nodded and he pulled out a seatbelt and strapped himself into his leather chair.

i opened the door, gently, then closed it behind me.

i turned around, and saw a room full of guards watching me.

dude, sorry about the eggs man, but i had to take them!

i know you won’t believe me, but those eggs had poison in them!

see, the mongoose moms that had those eggs, they used to drink used oil that people dropped near their homes, it’s true cause someone told me that knows all about mongoose stuff.

i would have tried to explain this to you at the time i stole the eggs, but i knew you wouldn’t listen, cause you get all weird when you are around mongoose eggs. i mean, weirder then usual. i knew you wouldn’t listen to me, so i had to do it to save your life.

anyway now this king guy kidnapped me and i need you to come save me, i’m in the top floor of the castle. you are in the dungeon. i hid a key under the mattress.

thanks dude.

-eric

i dropped the poster. i didn’t know how much of his story i believed, especially that part about me being weird. but still, it definitely was out of character of him to stop me from eating eggs. it seemed so long ago, i was getting kind of fuzzy on the details. i think he kicked one of the eggs i was eating or something.

anyway, if what he was saying was true, then i owed him my life. i didn’t know why this king guy had kidnapped him, but i would have to go save him, if i was to be a man.

and if there is one thing that i definitely am, that would be a man.

plus i didn’t really have anything else i was doing at the time.

He bent his head down, and chomped a mouthful of grass. The dew was still on the grass, and it was the best tasting grass he had ever eaten in his life. But he felt like that every meal.

He grazed a bit, and by the time he no longer felt any need to eat, the sun was directly overhead. After finding a patch of dry dirt, he rubbed his head in it a few times, then turned and laid down.

He took a deep breath, then closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his brown coat.

He began to dream…

He was standing on two legs, like the humans, except he always felt off balance and had to lean against a wall. A man walked up to him, and goat felt his mouth open,

“Can I take your coat sir?”

The man nodded at goat and took his coat off, and goat grabbed it, pinching it between both his hooves. The man walked off, and goat turned around, put a hanger on the coat, and hung it up in the closet that was behind him, which held other coats and a couple top hats.

Goat woke up, the sun was setting. He stood up, walked over to the tasty patch of grass, and ate his fill. Then he went to his water bucket, which had been filled when he was sleeping, and sipped some water. After his stomach felt nice and cold and full, he walked to his shed, and sat and watched the sunset.

A brown goat walks to the top of the hill, raises his head toward the sky, and gazes up at a perfect moon. The goat hears snow crunching behind him, and then a elk joins him, who also turns his eyes upward. Not long after, a family of white snow hares comes up on the other side of the hill, and they too start gazing at the moon. A baby chicken, so light that he doesn’t even break the top layer of snow as he walks, comes and stands next to a baby hare, and looks up at the moon.

The goat briefly wonders why there is a chicken there, but decides that it’s not important, and he puts his full attention back to looking at the moon.

It’s the kind of moon that shows up once a century, and even if most humans don’t bother looking at such things, the animals know it’s something special, a beauty that needs no explanations or words, but just requires you to be open and let the beauty flow into you.

The goat, the wisest of all the animals in the Yukon, knows that today must be a very special day indeed, to have such a moon.

While still looking upward, all the animals open their mouths together in perfect unison, and various grunts, squeaks, maaaas, and baks fill the cold air.

To the casual observer, it just sounds like a bunch of animal noises, albeit perfectly in time, but still, animal gibberish.

But if you were to listen, just really listen, past the grunts, squeaks, maaaas and baks, and listen to the soul language that all living things share, you would hear them all saying three words together in perfect harmony -

“Happy Birthday Melissa”